• Calvin: I resent the quality of network programming! It is all fluff, violence, sensationalism and sleaze!
  • Calvin: I hunder for serious, tasteful entertainment that respects my intelligence!
  • Calvin’s Dad: Then turn off the stupid TV and read a book.
  • Calvin: All right, I Lied. Sue me.

  • Narrator: Britain has had rude and unhelpful receptionists for thousands of years. Carol Beer exemplifies this fine tradition.
  • Carol: Hello (reading a magaizine points at the other side of the desk).
  • Mr Fisher: Hello.
  • Carol: Welcome to St John’s hospital. My name is Carol. How can I help you?
  • Mr Fisher: (breathless) We need to go straight to the maternity ward.
  • Carol: Right. Submissions. Name?
  • Mr Fisher: Helen Fisher.
  • Carol: You don’t look like a Helen!
  • Mrs Fisher: Err, no, I’m Helen Fisher.
  • Mr Fisher: I’m Graham Fisher.
  • Carol: You’re brother and sister?
  • Mr Fisher: No, we’re married. My wife’s about to have a baby.
  • Carol: (types) Computer says ‘no’.
  • Mrs Fisher: What?
  • Carol: Baby’s not due yet. I’ve got you down for next week.
  • Mr Fisher: Woah, woah! Look, her water broke. She’s having it right now. This is urgent!
  • Carol: Right. Better put you under URGENT admissions.
    Mrs Fisher: Mmmm.
  • Carol: (types) Just waiting for the page to come up…computer’s a bit slow today…Right! Name.
  • Mrs Fisher: Helen Fisher.
  • Carol: (types) How did you hear about the hospital?
  • Mrs Fisher: Ahhh!
  • Mr Fisher: It’s just our nearest hospital, ok?
  • Carol: (types) How satisfied are you with the cleanliness of the hospital?
  • Mr Fisher: It’s fine, it’s fine.
  • Carol: On a scale of 1 to 10? 1 being extremely dissatisfied. 10 being almost too satisfied.
  • Mr Fisher: Look, my wife is about to give birth. Could you just call the doctor, please!
    Dr Seymour.
  • Carol: Computer says ‘no’.
  • Mrs Fisher: Why?!
  • Carol: We’ve got more than one Dr Seymour.
    Do you mean the Dr Seymour in the maternity ward or the Dr Seymour in the artificial limb unit?
  • Mr Fisher: Well, what do you think?
  • Carol: (pause) I think it’s probably the one in the maternity ward.
  • Mrs Fisher: Uh! I think it’s coming!
  • Mr Fisher: This is unbelievable. Would you just call the doctor please!
  • Carol: Dr Seymour!….Dr Seymour! He’s not responding.
  • Mr Fisher: On the telephone!
  • Carol: Hello. TIcket Master? I’d like to book a ticket for Phantom of the Opera, please. Yes, I’ll hold (to the couple) I’ll call him straight after.
    (Carol coughs towards the couple).